Timmy the Tim turned 33 yesterday. In honor of Timmy the Tim's Jesus Year, I'd like to highlight 33 difference between my most spiteful, yet still cherished friend, and my personal Lord and Savior.
1. Jesus born in a stable. Timmy the Tim born in a Venture.
2. Jesus was a carpenter. Timmy the Tim can't even fix a salad.
3. Jesus fed 5000 thousand people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. I lived with Timmy the Tim for 6 months and he never even shared his microwaveable spaghetti with me.
4. Jesus spoke in parables. Timmy the Tim speaks in insults.
5. Jesus had twelve Apostles. Timmy the Tim has twelve toes.
6. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. Timmy the Tim forbidden (by his wife) from raising his own child.
7. Jesus said "Destroy this temple and I will rebuild it in three days!". Timmy the Tim says "Spill milk on this leather couch and I will wipe it off in an uncomfortably efficient amount of time."
8. Jim Caviezel cast as Jesus in his life story. David Caruso cast as Timmy the Tim in his life story.
9. Jesus sits at the right hand of God. Timmy the Tim sits at the foot of Rose.
10. Jesus said "I give you a new commandment, Love One Another!" Timmy the Tim says, "Here's the deal: I'm emotionally retarded!"
11. John was the Apostle that Jesus loved. John Stamos is the Tanner parent that Timmy the Tim loves.
12. Jesus washed the feet of his Apostles. I lived with Timmy the Tim for 6 months and his ass never cleaned anything.
13. Jesus was once transfigured on a mountain and talked to Moses and Elijah. Timmy the Tim likes to get drunk and watch old episode of "Keenan and Kel".
14. Jesus walked on water. Timmy the Tim bathes with a loufa.
15. Jesus once lost his parents to go teach in the Temple. Timmy the Tim once ditched his parents to buy Garbage Pail Kids trading cards at the Galesburg Dollar General.
16. Jesus refused to condemn a woman caught in the act of adultery. Timmy the Tim frequently condemned his future wife for wearing bib overalls.
17. Jesus cast out demons from the bodies of complete strangers. Timmy the Tim casts out food from being eaten by his friends in his six year old Toyota Camry.
18. Jesus said "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of Heaven". Timmy the Tim said "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a man to feed his hungry child on my leather couches."
19. Jesus built a fire on the sea shore to summon his followers in from their fishing boats. I visited Timmy the Tim like 6 times and his ass never started a fire in the wood-burning stove in his townhouse.
20. Jesus turned water into wine. Timmy the Tim turns beer bottles into empty bottles.
21. Jesus forgave sins. Timmy the Tim makes fun of people for minor things that happened 15 years ago.
22. Jesus is of Nazareth but was born in Bethlehem. Timmy the Tim is of Galesburg but was born in CougarTown.
23. Jesus was thrown out of the synagogue for his prophecies. Timmy the Tim thrown out of Church for his flatulence.
24. Jesus is the Lamb of God. Timmy the Tim is the Ginger of Verne Lundquist.
25. Jesus has been the cultural center of the Irish people for 1600 years. Timmy the Tim spent six months in Ireland and the Irish people don't give a shit.
26. Jesus touched the lepers and healed them. Timmy the Tim thinks people with leprosy are called "leopards".
27. Jesus wept. Timmy the Tim has a genetic absence of tear ducts and lacks the emotional capacity to cry.
28. Jesus amazingly returned from the dead. Timmy the Tim amazingly returns from the bathroom.
29. Jesus made fishers of men. Timmy the Tim makes fish sticks.
30. Jesus walked all over Judea and Galilee preaching the word of God. Timmy the Tim drives to the corner store for Cheetohs.
31. Genesis wrote a song called "Jesus He Knows Me". Timmy the Tim really identifies with the Genesis song "Invisible Touch".
32. Jesus broke bread and gave it to his disciples and said "Take this all of you and eat it. This is my body which will be given up for you." Timmy the Tim says "You can only eat Doritos in the kitchen because if you get crumbs on my leather couch, I will get really upset, turn red in the face and make for an awkward situation."
33. On Jesus's birthday a fat man brings toys to all the children of the world. On Timmy the Tim's birthday, a fat man writes a blog for all the world to read (or "blah-g" as Timmy the Tim's wife would say).
1. Jesus born in a stable. Timmy the Tim born in a Venture.
2. Jesus was a carpenter. Timmy the Tim can't even fix a salad.
3. Jesus fed 5000 thousand people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. I lived with Timmy the Tim for 6 months and he never even shared his microwaveable spaghetti with me.
4. Jesus spoke in parables. Timmy the Tim speaks in insults.
5. Jesus had twelve Apostles. Timmy the Tim has twelve toes.
6. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. Timmy the Tim forbidden (by his wife) from raising his own child.
7. Jesus said "Destroy this temple and I will rebuild it in three days!". Timmy the Tim says "Spill milk on this leather couch and I will wipe it off in an uncomfortably efficient amount of time."
8. Jim Caviezel cast as Jesus in his life story. David Caruso cast as Timmy the Tim in his life story.
9. Jesus sits at the right hand of God. Timmy the Tim sits at the foot of Rose.
10. Jesus said "I give you a new commandment, Love One Another!" Timmy the Tim says, "Here's the deal: I'm emotionally retarded!"
11. John was the Apostle that Jesus loved. John Stamos is the Tanner parent that Timmy the Tim loves.
12. Jesus washed the feet of his Apostles. I lived with Timmy the Tim for 6 months and his ass never cleaned anything.
13. Jesus was once transfigured on a mountain and talked to Moses and Elijah. Timmy the Tim likes to get drunk and watch old episode of "Keenan and Kel".
14. Jesus walked on water. Timmy the Tim bathes with a loufa.
15. Jesus once lost his parents to go teach in the Temple. Timmy the Tim once ditched his parents to buy Garbage Pail Kids trading cards at the Galesburg Dollar General.
16. Jesus refused to condemn a woman caught in the act of adultery. Timmy the Tim frequently condemned his future wife for wearing bib overalls.
17. Jesus cast out demons from the bodies of complete strangers. Timmy the Tim casts out food from being eaten by his friends in his six year old Toyota Camry.
18. Jesus said "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of Heaven". Timmy the Tim said "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a man to feed his hungry child on my leather couches."
19. Jesus built a fire on the sea shore to summon his followers in from their fishing boats. I visited Timmy the Tim like 6 times and his ass never started a fire in the wood-burning stove in his townhouse.
20. Jesus turned water into wine. Timmy the Tim turns beer bottles into empty bottles.
21. Jesus forgave sins. Timmy the Tim makes fun of people for minor things that happened 15 years ago.
22. Jesus is of Nazareth but was born in Bethlehem. Timmy the Tim is of Galesburg but was born in CougarTown.
23. Jesus was thrown out of the synagogue for his prophecies. Timmy the Tim thrown out of Church for his flatulence.
24. Jesus is the Lamb of God. Timmy the Tim is the Ginger of Verne Lundquist.
25. Jesus has been the cultural center of the Irish people for 1600 years. Timmy the Tim spent six months in Ireland and the Irish people don't give a shit.
26. Jesus touched the lepers and healed them. Timmy the Tim thinks people with leprosy are called "leopards".
27. Jesus wept. Timmy the Tim has a genetic absence of tear ducts and lacks the emotional capacity to cry.
28. Jesus amazingly returned from the dead. Timmy the Tim amazingly returns from the bathroom.
29. Jesus made fishers of men. Timmy the Tim makes fish sticks.
30. Jesus walked all over Judea and Galilee preaching the word of God. Timmy the Tim drives to the corner store for Cheetohs.
31. Genesis wrote a song called "Jesus He Knows Me". Timmy the Tim really identifies with the Genesis song "Invisible Touch".
32. Jesus broke bread and gave it to his disciples and said "Take this all of you and eat it. This is my body which will be given up for you." Timmy the Tim says "You can only eat Doritos in the kitchen because if you get crumbs on my leather couch, I will get really upset, turn red in the face and make for an awkward situation."
33. On Jesus's birthday a fat man brings toys to all the children of the world. On Timmy the Tim's birthday, a fat man writes a blog for all the world to read (or "blah-g" as Timmy the Tim's wife would say).