Dear Avid Readers,
I would like you all to know that I have divorced my wife. It was a very difficult decision but the truth is that I've been in love with my friend Rose my whole life and now it's time for me to acknowledge these pent-up feelings and let the relationship be free to grow and change and thrive. I called Rose this morning and told her about my feelings, and it really wasn't a surprise because she felt the exact same way about me!* We both knew all along that Rose was just biding her time with Timmy the Tim until I became available, so it was no big deal to downsize him. My ex-wife and kids are very important to me, so I'm not just some heartless bastard who's going to throw them out to fend for themselves. I've set aside a large trust fund for my now ex-wife and children and appointed my Polish friend Rich to be their caretaker. As far as I know, Rose dropped Timmy the Tim off at a Lion's Choice in Belleville, Illinois and squealed the tires before he even shut the passenger-side door.
Rose hasn't arrived yet. She just called me, and she's somewhere on I-39. Apparently she was delayed because she stopped off at a Joann Fabrics in Bloomington, which I think is kind of weird given the magnamity of the decision we both just made, I thought we'd want to be together as soon as possible. She said something about some great wall-stenciling ideas she has for our new house but then she lost reception so the conversation ended prematurely. Rose still has the same Cellular One flip phone that she had the year we graduated college (2002); that piece-of-shit phone combined with the lack of reception near Lasalle-Peru made further communication impossible.
Anyways, I'm sitting here blogging (or "blah-g"ing as myfriend lover Rose would say) just passing the time until the true love of my life arrives. We're planning a great life together. We're going to be happy and healthy and leave behind our old and petty ways. Rose promises that she will never ever scrapbook anything related to our new lives together. I've promised to give up killing hobos as a stress reliever. We might also try the "caveman diet", but Rose and I are currently in heated negotiations because she insists that cavemen ate chive-flavored rice cakes and I said,
"Look, Rose, I could sit here and argue all day that cavemen ate Cool Ranch Doritos (CRDs) just because I want to keep eating CRDs but that wouldn't be very faithful to the spirit of the caveman diet, now would it, Rose? Either you're all in or all out!"
She took it well. 13 years ago, or shit, 13 hours ago before we decided to be in love and be together forever, an argument like the one just discussed (and there have been many of these over the years between me and my new lover Rose) would have had me and Rose giving each other the silent treatment for at least a good three or four days. But not anymore! No not any more because I am in love with the very soon to be Mrs. Rose Shaftacular.
The only thing I still worry about is facebook. As you know, I've never been the biggest fan of the book of face, but part of being in love with Rose is realizing that a partnership involves some give-and-take and a lot of social media. I've never had a facebook account but Rose has had one pretty much forever. Rose actually says that she had the very first facebook account (she's serious), and while I doubt that, I just love Rose so much that I'm going to show some faith in her and assume that she is telling the truth (though it seems like Jesse Eisenberg probably had the first facebook account). Anyway, we've agreed that we're going to have one of those couples facebook accounts where both our names are on the account so all our friends who don't know each other (such as Rose's picture frame-making/decorating circle and my unsubtly racist bumper sticker collecting buddies) can all comment at the same time about all the great things that Rose and I do because Rose and I are now transparent and have nothing to hide. The only question is whether Rose should delete her original account (you know, "THE original facebook account") and open a new account together or if she should just add ol' Slider K. Shaftacular's name to the old account. I'm kind of split on what we should do. I think it'd show a lot of commitment if Rose sacrificed her old account for me, Slider K. Shaftacular, her lover and life partner. But I also see that I could park my ego at the door and just be added on to Rose's old account. I'll have to think about that some more, but one thing I don't have to think about is the fact that facebook is going to be at the very core of Rose's and my marriage to each other because we are lovers now.
Rose and I are also Cub fans now.
Sincerely and madly in love with Rose,
Slider K. Shaftacular
*Have you ever seen the video for the Dido song "White Flag"?. . .the visual story acted out by Dido and the Angel Bones guy is pretty much how Rose and I have been our whole lives, just ready to fall in love with each other but never quite getting the perfect opportunity.
I would like you all to know that I have divorced my wife. It was a very difficult decision but the truth is that I've been in love with my friend Rose my whole life and now it's time for me to acknowledge these pent-up feelings and let the relationship be free to grow and change and thrive. I called Rose this morning and told her about my feelings, and it really wasn't a surprise because she felt the exact same way about me!* We both knew all along that Rose was just biding her time with Timmy the Tim until I became available, so it was no big deal to downsize him. My ex-wife and kids are very important to me, so I'm not just some heartless bastard who's going to throw them out to fend for themselves. I've set aside a large trust fund for my now ex-wife and children and appointed my Polish friend Rich to be their caretaker. As far as I know, Rose dropped Timmy the Tim off at a Lion's Choice in Belleville, Illinois and squealed the tires before he even shut the passenger-side door.
Rose hasn't arrived yet. She just called me, and she's somewhere on I-39. Apparently she was delayed because she stopped off at a Joann Fabrics in Bloomington, which I think is kind of weird given the magnamity of the decision we both just made, I thought we'd want to be together as soon as possible. She said something about some great wall-stenciling ideas she has for our new house but then she lost reception so the conversation ended prematurely. Rose still has the same Cellular One flip phone that she had the year we graduated college (2002); that piece-of-shit phone combined with the lack of reception near Lasalle-Peru made further communication impossible.
Anyways, I'm sitting here blogging (or "blah-g"ing as my
"Look, Rose, I could sit here and argue all day that cavemen ate Cool Ranch Doritos (CRDs) just because I want to keep eating CRDs but that wouldn't be very faithful to the spirit of the caveman diet, now would it, Rose? Either you're all in or all out!"
She took it well. 13 years ago, or shit, 13 hours ago before we decided to be in love and be together forever, an argument like the one just discussed (and there have been many of these over the years between me and my new lover Rose) would have had me and Rose giving each other the silent treatment for at least a good three or four days. But not anymore! No not any more because I am in love with the very soon to be Mrs. Rose Shaftacular.
The only thing I still worry about is facebook. As you know, I've never been the biggest fan of the book of face, but part of being in love with Rose is realizing that a partnership involves some give-and-take and a lot of social media. I've never had a facebook account but Rose has had one pretty much forever. Rose actually says that she had the very first facebook account (she's serious), and while I doubt that, I just love Rose so much that I'm going to show some faith in her and assume that she is telling the truth (though it seems like Jesse Eisenberg probably had the first facebook account). Anyway, we've agreed that we're going to have one of those couples facebook accounts where both our names are on the account so all our friends who don't know each other (such as Rose's picture frame-making/decorating circle and my unsubtly racist bumper sticker collecting buddies) can all comment at the same time about all the great things that Rose and I do because Rose and I are now transparent and have nothing to hide. The only question is whether Rose should delete her original account (you know, "THE original facebook account") and open a new account together or if she should just add ol' Slider K. Shaftacular's name to the old account. I'm kind of split on what we should do. I think it'd show a lot of commitment if Rose sacrificed her old account for me, Slider K. Shaftacular, her lover and life partner. But I also see that I could park my ego at the door and just be added on to Rose's old account. I'll have to think about that some more, but one thing I don't have to think about is the fact that facebook is going to be at the very core of Rose's and my marriage to each other because we are lovers now.
Rose and I are also Cub fans now.
Sincerely and madly in love with Rose,
Slider K. Shaftacular
*Have you ever seen the video for the Dido song "White Flag"?. . .the visual story acted out by Dido and the Angel Bones guy is pretty much how Rose and I have been our whole lives, just ready to fall in love with each other but never quite getting the perfect opportunity.