Timmy the Tim turns 34 today. It's his Walter Payton year! Much like the dark lord and the Lord, there are a lot of differences between Timmy the Tim and 34.
1. Walter Payton's nickname is Sweetness. Timmy the Tim is a sour puss.
2. Walter Payton was my childhood hero. Timmy the Tim is my adulthood nemesis.
3. Walter Payton ran behind monster blocks from fullback and friend Matt Suhey. Timmy the Tim has no friends and doesn't run.
4. Walter Payton broke many of O.J. Simpson's records. Timmy the Tim has read O.J. Simpson's book and seen all of O.J. Simpson's movies.
5. Walter Payton played was coached by Mike Ditka. Timmy the Tim was described by his 5th grade soccer coach as "uncoachable".
6. Walter Payton retired in 1987. Timmy the Tim killed a hobo for the first time in 1987.
7. Walter Payton notably did not score a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Timmy the Tim notably did not score at his Senior Prom.
8. Walter Payton has a Man of the Year Award named in his honor. Timmy the Tim has never been named Employee of the Month.
9. Walter Payton wore a signature head band. Timmy the Tim wears a signature fanny pack.
10. Walter Payton was a proud African-American man. Timmy the Tim is a drunk Irish-American doufus.
11. Walter Payton was drafted in the first round. Timmy the Tim was told "no, no that's okay" when he tried to fill out his draft card.
12. Walter Payton once sang "Well they call me Sweetness and I like to dance. Running the ball is like making romance." Timmy the Tim once said, "Rose...I've had a coupla beers...."
13. Walter Payton was the Bears' emergency quarterback. Timmy the Tim considers it an emergency if someone is trying to eat trail mix in his Toyota Camry.
14. Walter Payton played football at Jackson State University. Timmy the Tim played "You Don't Know Jack" at Kenyon College.
15. Walter Payton's number 34 was retired. Timmy the Tim is the last person on earth who still uses the derogatory term "retarded".
16. Walter Payton played at Soldier Field. Timmy the Tim has seen Universal Soldier 87 times.
17. Walter Payton' rushing record was broken by Emmitt Smith. Timmy the Tim's heart was broken by a chick who looked like Duncan Shiek.
18. Walter Payton once sat for an iconic photo shoot with Michael Jordan and Andre Dawson.
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Timmy the Tim takes an inordinate amount of selfies.
![Generic Ugly Ginger Kid - WRONG!]()
19. Walter Payton was soft-spoken. Timmy the Tim is hard to talk to.
20. Walter Payton's signature move was to jump over the line of scrimmage to score a touchdown. Timmy the Tim frequently jumps to the conclusion that he is better than everyone else.
21. Walter Payton's motto was "never die easy". Timmy the Tim's motto is "never eat breakfast."
22. Walter Payton once co-hosted Saturday Night Live with Joe Montana. Timmy the Tim watches Sabado Gigante alone in the dark in his whitie tighties.
23. Walter Payton was a philanthropist who gave back to the community. Timmy the Tim thinks a philanthropist studies people named Phil.
24. Walter Payton has a yellow jacket from the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Timmy the Tim is allergic to yellow jacket stings.
25. Walter Payton trained harder than any player of his era. Timmy the Tim has been to more Train concerts than any dude of any era.
26. Walter Payton taught me the meaning of hard work and dedication at an early age. Timmy the Tim taught me that prepackaged, precooked spaghetti exists.
27. I cheered my heart out for Walter Payton but he never knew it. I set Timmy the Tim up with his wife and he'll never give me credit for it.
28. Walter Payton was the player to be in Tecmo Bowl. Nobody wanted to play Tecmo Bowl with Timmy the Tim.
29. Walter Payton invented the stutter step. Timmy the Tim makes fun of people who stutter.
30. Walter Payton is the prototypical hard-nosed running back. Timmy the Tim is the prototypical guy who listens to Pavement.
31. Walter Payton shunned touchdown celebrations. Timmy the Tim celebrated when it was announced that Craig Sager had cancer.
32. Walter Payton groomed his successor (Neal Anderson) at running back. Timmy the Tim is deficient in personal grooming.
33. Walter Payton rushed for 16,726 yards in his professional career. Timmy the Tim has 16,726 Guinness-themed decorations, trinkets and apparel items in his home.
34. Walter Payton knew Cap Boso. Timmy the Tim wishes he knew Cap Boso.
1. Walter Payton's nickname is Sweetness. Timmy the Tim is a sour puss.
2. Walter Payton was my childhood hero. Timmy the Tim is my adulthood nemesis.
3. Walter Payton ran behind monster blocks from fullback and friend Matt Suhey. Timmy the Tim has no friends and doesn't run.
4. Walter Payton broke many of O.J. Simpson's records. Timmy the Tim has read O.J. Simpson's book and seen all of O.J. Simpson's movies.
5. Walter Payton played was coached by Mike Ditka. Timmy the Tim was described by his 5th grade soccer coach as "uncoachable".
6. Walter Payton retired in 1987. Timmy the Tim killed a hobo for the first time in 1987.
7. Walter Payton notably did not score a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Timmy the Tim notably did not score at his Senior Prom.
8. Walter Payton has a Man of the Year Award named in his honor. Timmy the Tim has never been named Employee of the Month.
9. Walter Payton wore a signature head band. Timmy the Tim wears a signature fanny pack.
10. Walter Payton was a proud African-American man. Timmy the Tim is a drunk Irish-American doufus.
11. Walter Payton was drafted in the first round. Timmy the Tim was told "no, no that's okay" when he tried to fill out his draft card.
12. Walter Payton once sang "Well they call me Sweetness and I like to dance. Running the ball is like making romance." Timmy the Tim once said, "Rose...I've had a coupla beers...."
13. Walter Payton was the Bears' emergency quarterback. Timmy the Tim considers it an emergency if someone is trying to eat trail mix in his Toyota Camry.
14. Walter Payton played football at Jackson State University. Timmy the Tim played "You Don't Know Jack" at Kenyon College.
15. Walter Payton's number 34 was retired. Timmy the Tim is the last person on earth who still uses the derogatory term "retarded".
16. Walter Payton played at Soldier Field. Timmy the Tim has seen Universal Soldier 87 times.
17. Walter Payton' rushing record was broken by Emmitt Smith. Timmy the Tim's heart was broken by a chick who looked like Duncan Shiek.
18. Walter Payton once sat for an iconic photo shoot with Michael Jordan and Andre Dawson.
Timmy the Tim takes an inordinate amount of selfies.
19. Walter Payton was soft-spoken. Timmy the Tim is hard to talk to.
20. Walter Payton's signature move was to jump over the line of scrimmage to score a touchdown. Timmy the Tim frequently jumps to the conclusion that he is better than everyone else.
21. Walter Payton's motto was "never die easy". Timmy the Tim's motto is "never eat breakfast."
22. Walter Payton once co-hosted Saturday Night Live with Joe Montana. Timmy the Tim watches Sabado Gigante alone in the dark in his whitie tighties.
23. Walter Payton was a philanthropist who gave back to the community. Timmy the Tim thinks a philanthropist studies people named Phil.
24. Walter Payton has a yellow jacket from the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Timmy the Tim is allergic to yellow jacket stings.
25. Walter Payton trained harder than any player of his era. Timmy the Tim has been to more Train concerts than any dude of any era.
26. Walter Payton taught me the meaning of hard work and dedication at an early age. Timmy the Tim taught me that prepackaged, precooked spaghetti exists.
27. I cheered my heart out for Walter Payton but he never knew it. I set Timmy the Tim up with his wife and he'll never give me credit for it.
28. Walter Payton was the player to be in Tecmo Bowl. Nobody wanted to play Tecmo Bowl with Timmy the Tim.
29. Walter Payton invented the stutter step. Timmy the Tim makes fun of people who stutter.
30. Walter Payton is the prototypical hard-nosed running back. Timmy the Tim is the prototypical guy who listens to Pavement.
31. Walter Payton shunned touchdown celebrations. Timmy the Tim celebrated when it was announced that Craig Sager had cancer.
32. Walter Payton groomed his successor (Neal Anderson) at running back. Timmy the Tim is deficient in personal grooming.
33. Walter Payton rushed for 16,726 yards in his professional career. Timmy the Tim has 16,726 Guinness-themed decorations, trinkets and apparel items in his home.
34. Walter Payton knew Cap Boso. Timmy the Tim wishes he knew Cap Boso.