Diamond Dave and I have one really bad habit amidst an otherwise great friendship: we play Super Mario Brothers Wii together.
For most people, playing SMBWii would be an enjoyable experience. Talking, laughing, sharing a few beers while killing goombas. Classic American fun! Except for the fact that Diamond Dave turns into a giant asshole as soon as the Wii flips on. He hogs the fire flowers and penguin suits, he zips across the screen so fast that I frequently die, and he never lets me use our power-ups before we start a level. Instead, he hordes the power-ups as if they will be of irreplaceable value to us in the future (you know, like a digital invincibility star is really going to come in handy for the End of Days). Whenever we are unsuccessful in getting through a level, he becomes hypercritical of my gameplay and attributes no fault to himself. And when we conquer a castle, he won't even let me grab the trophy key.
Playing Super Mario Brothers Wii with Diamond Dave is really unpleasant. How unpleasant you ask? It's more unpleasant than:
-fan fiction
-hernia checks
-Kid Shay when somebody else accidentally uses his Garfield mug
-Adam Dunn's hitting approach
-Gary Cherone's career
-Kirk Cameron's Left Behind movies
-Eric Cantor's politics
-Sissy Jupe's early education
-bees
-burning diarrhea
-belated birthday wishes
-benzodiazepine withdrawal
-brown belts with black shoes
-being a 15 year old dude waiting to see if you'll be asked to turn-about
-using the phrase "I'm going to see Dave" to mean that you are going to a Dave Matthews Band concert
-going to a Dave Matthews Band concert
-being stuck on the El with people who are going to a Dave Matthews Band concert
-being on the observation deck of a riverboat when the Dave Matthews bus drives over a bridge
-ebola
Playing Super Mario Brothers Wii with Diamond Dave blows. Otherwise, it's a pretty fun game and you should try it.
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For most people, playing SMBWii would be an enjoyable experience. Talking, laughing, sharing a few beers while killing goombas. Classic American fun! Except for the fact that Diamond Dave turns into a giant asshole as soon as the Wii flips on. He hogs the fire flowers and penguin suits, he zips across the screen so fast that I frequently die, and he never lets me use our power-ups before we start a level. Instead, he hordes the power-ups as if they will be of irreplaceable value to us in the future (you know, like a digital invincibility star is really going to come in handy for the End of Days). Whenever we are unsuccessful in getting through a level, he becomes hypercritical of my gameplay and attributes no fault to himself. And when we conquer a castle, he won't even let me grab the trophy key.
Playing Super Mario Brothers Wii with Diamond Dave is really unpleasant. How unpleasant you ask? It's more unpleasant than:
-fan fiction
-hernia checks
-Kid Shay when somebody else accidentally uses his Garfield mug
-Adam Dunn's hitting approach
-Gary Cherone's career
-Kirk Cameron's Left Behind movies
-Eric Cantor's politics
-Sissy Jupe's early education
-bees
-burning diarrhea
-belated birthday wishes
-benzodiazepine withdrawal
-brown belts with black shoes
-being a 15 year old dude waiting to see if you'll be asked to turn-about
-using the phrase "I'm going to see Dave" to mean that you are going to a Dave Matthews Band concert
-going to a Dave Matthews Band concert
-being stuck on the El with people who are going to a Dave Matthews Band concert
-being on the observation deck of a riverboat when the Dave Matthews bus drives over a bridge
-ebola
Playing Super Mario Brothers Wii with Diamond Dave blows. Otherwise, it's a pretty fun game and you should try it.
